Ask the Bastards #5: Underpants, Spider-Man vs. Wolverine, Comic Book Movies and Our Favorite Joker

Hello, boys and girls, and welcome to another thrilling installment of Ask the Bastards, a weekly exercise in bad taste where we, the assorted scoundrels of Nerd Bastards, answer questions asked by you, the readers. This week we tackle comic book movies, remakes, reboots, sequels, Doctor Who, our favorite Joker and what kind of underwear we have on (…you might want to skip that section).

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Are Nerbastards hot dudes? – Danny

As I type this response I am running a fever of 100 degrees from the after Dragon Con crud so I guess I am hot, but in a burly manly man bear kind of way. — Mark Poynter

Adam Donaldson and Jason McAnelly are both hand models on the lo-lo and Matthew Jackson once started a forest fire with a simmering glance. I think that answers your question. – Jason Tabrys

I’m the Human Torch of hot. Jason Tabrys, however, currently holds the “Mr. Fantastic” title among all the male nerds around here. But, once I take him out Highlander style it’ll be all mine. — Nick Bungay

There was a period in my life when I had trained by body. Lifting iron, combat (I was a pro-wrestler, boxer and student of Jiu-Jitsu) and many miles run, I had hardened my body to god-like status. This awesome physique brought with it a newfound confidence. Women became infatuated with me. Seducing them became an easy feat. So, I conquered. However, this reign of Herculean prowess did not last. I removed myself from sports and stopped treating by body as a temple. Alas, the life was not for me. I found a new, and far more righteous path… in Nerdom. The realm of fantasy and imagination became my ever lasting drug. But, it came with a price. The allure of comics, the enchantment of Television and commitment to the world wide web soiled my physical appearance. I was once a Hulk. Now I am but a Shrek. The townspeople come at me with pitch-forks and torches now. — Luke Gallagher. Btw, uh… what the heck is Bungay doing with Tabrys penis? Am I the only one greatly disturbed by this?

Aw shucks, Jason, it was really more of a leer than a glance. Stupid forest. — Matthew Jackson

Yes, but I’m only a hand model because you don’t want to know what they make you do as a foot model. – Adam A. Donaldson

Yes. — jeremy r! hudson

Who would win in a fight, Spiderman or Wolverine? – Butters

Spiderman would obviously lose because there’s no such superhero (sorry, but it’s important to hyphenate, boys and girls). Spider-Man, on the other hand…well, he’d also lose. Never bet against Wolverine, unless he’s fighting Batman.– Matthew Jackson

Wasn’t this question answered already in that “Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny” song? If not, I think we need a sequel. – Adam A. Donaldson

What is your opinion on the appearance of the new companion in the episode of Doctor Who, “Asylum of the Daleks”? Do you believe that Moffat did it on purpose and to what end? (I’d love to hear the opinion of you guys and see if it matches what I’ve been hearing on the web) – Martin

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE NEW SEASON OF DOCTOR WHO BELOW! IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THESE ANSWERS!

I think it helped elevate the mood of the early part of this season from one of mournful waiting for the end of Rory and Amy to one of anticipation for the new companion and how Moffat will tie her first appearance and her next appearance together. Sure, most of us are going to miss the Ponds, but now we got a brief look at what comes next and that is exciting. — Jason Tabrys

Of course he did it on purpose. He wrote the thing! No, but seriously, this marks a different kind of Doctor Who storytelling in the modern series. Generally upcoming Companions don’t cross paths with active Companions. Usually the formula is old Companion leaves, new Companion pops up, new Companion relationship is established. In this case, Oswin is a part of The Doctor’s life already, and she’s one of the people he couldn’t save. That’s a dynamic we haven’t seen before, and it’s definitely got me excited, particularly to see how it ties in to the ending of the Ponds. As for what the end will be, I suppose we’ll wait and see. I’m not a fan of predicting where Doctor Who goes. I just like to experience it. – Matthew Jackson

I take it you mean that casting Jenna-Louise Coleman only to later cast her as the new Companion was an accident, as opposed to whether or not Moffat came up with the whole episode by accident. But yes, I think casting Coleman in both parts was purposeful. Consider that past Who seasons have been built around the conceit of a gathering mystery: “Bad Wolf”, “Torchwood”, “Saxon”, “The Pandorica”, “The Silence”. Also consider that Moffat, in creating Amy Pond, suggested the idea that The Doctor picks up a companion who’s somewhat more than a hitchhiker; Amy’s connection to the tear in time and space and how it attracts The Doctor to her, and how she in turn lead him to The Pandorica and the explosion that caused the tear in the first place, was a lovely paradox. So yes, I think the mystery of Coleman’s companion is part of a bigger mystery as we go deep into season 7. – Adam A. Donaldson

There are lots of opinions on the web regarding what Moffat is doing here. Some of the regular one I’ve heard consist of:

A) The Doctor will meet her before the events of ep1. Thus, he will have a companion that he knows is going to have a tragic fate. This concept, however, has already been done in a few different ways, so Moffat would be treading old ground.

B) He’ll come in and save her at the last moment, before the planet gets blown to bits. This one is hard to see, since other rumors suggest The Doctor is actually gonna pick her up on Earth. It would, however, work if the “she’s actually Jenny” speculation is correct. He could just regen her into a new body or what-not.

C) She’s a relative of someone else who will be The Doctor’s actual companion. I think this would be a cop-out. There’s no reason to put all the nifty little things in her “memory world if Moffat’s going to do this. The ballerina flashback that Amy gets caught up in and the fact that she’s sitting on the same chair that Jenny (The Doctor’s Daughter) was riding in the last time we saw her would be pointless additions. I don’t think Moffat added these elements for nothing.

D) The character comes back via the power of technology. She already hacked the Dalek-web, so it’s possible she could upload herself somewhere. They kinda hinted at this in ep2 when evil-bad-guy did a search for The Doctor and found him to be missing from the data banks. Possibly Oswin messing about with the system even more? Is she trailing The Doctor in digital format, helping him out?

Personally, I’m really hoping that she’s actually Jenny in a different incarnation, but I’m afraid that Moffat might be going somewhere else with it. Moffat’s promised something “different” this time around, and aside from a Father-Daughter relationship or a digital/dead companion, I don’t see too many other ways to truly make it something unique. - Jason McAnelly

How many bastards preordered the Ultimate Loot Chest for Borderlands 2? – Rick

Spent all my money on pre-ordering the Golden Girls complete box set, sorry. — Nick Bungay

Unless it comes with actual loot and I get to pillage for it with my war hammer (I have a war hammer. I’m kind of a big deal.), then it’s not worth it. – Matthew Jackson

Boxers, briefs, panties or commando? – Philip

Boxer-Briefs, the one way to cover all your bases . . . and your balls. — Mark Poynter

I’ve tried all. Yes, that includes panties. It was a one time thing. Surprisingly, they were quite comfortable. For the most part, I do boxers. I’m often too lazy to put them on, though. I’ll roll my naked ass out of bed, skip the 5 foot walk to my dresser, and put on my nearest pants. I’m a little more careful in zippering when I do this. — Luke Gallagher

Commando. ‘Nuff said. – Adam A. Donaldson

Commando. I don’t like anything clenching my junk unless it’s got boobies and wants to make me breakfast. - Jason McAnelly

Who do the Bastards perfer as the Joker? Heath? Jack? The voice of Mark Hamil? Cesar Romero? – Jan

They all have a place in this NerdBastards’ heart. Cesar was the childhood Joker, Jack was the Joker that helped propel the role to the mainstream, Heath was the Joker that broke the mold, and my heart when he passed too early. — Mark Poynter

In this Nerdbastards’ opinion, I now owe Mark 14 cents in royalties for using his catchphrase… also, Jack for the spectacle of it all. Ledger’s performance was stellar, but a bit overrated. With all of that said, I’d rather just read the comics. — Jason Tabrys

My vote goes to Mark Hamill. To me, no actor in a live-action Batman project has been able to inject the sinister into the character in quite the same way Hamill did. I draw you’re attention to the episode “Be a Clown,” where The Joker crashes the birthday party of Mayor Hill’s son. There’s a scene where The Joker chases the boy through an abandoned amusement park, not really chasing him, but subtly chuckling as he bangs a cane against a metal fence. The boy cowers as if escape was futile before he ends up getting saved by Batman. Ledger gets points for showmanship and character development, but I think the key to The Joker is that despite the fact that he looks like a clown, he’s actually the biggest monster you’ll ever meet: remorseless and without compassion. Hamill got that. — Adam A. Donaldson

My love of Batman was seeded with the first Tim Burton film, but it blossomed with Batman: The Animated Series. I was a very small child, and Hamill’s Joker was both fascinating and terrifying to me. He’s still that way to this day. He nailed it completely, and though I truly love the other three big-screen incarnations for different reasons (Ledger ranks number two), Hamill is my Joker. – Matthew Jackson

Every actor that has been honored with the chance to play the Clown Prince of Crime has left their own mark on the character. Each has brought an unique twist. Cesar Romero in the Batman television series, Jack Nicholson in Tim Burton’s Batman, and Heath Ledger in Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight, have each given amazing performances. Larry Storch, Lennie Weinrib, Frank Welker, Michael McKean, Allen Enlow, Kevin Michael Richardson, Jeff Bennett, Steve Blum, Michael Dobson, John Kassir, Richard Epcar, John DiMaggio, Corey Burton, Brent Spiner and Christopher Corey Smith have also done phenomenal work with the character. When I read Batman comic books, it is Mark Hamill’s voice I hear when Joker speaks. Consider that your answer. – jeremy r! hudson

Hamill. That is all. What? Like, I’m going to try to compete the wordsmiths above, whom were so elegant and precise? That’s like performing after The Beatles on The Ed Sullivan show. Actually, come to think of it. You could use that same analogy when it comes to comparing Hamill to the rest of the jokers out there (yes, that play on words was deliberate) . They’re all good in their own right, but Hamill is on a different pedestal entirely –Luke Gallagher

How did your first role-playing group break up? – Jasmine

Turf war with some furries, never trust someone who will re-wear soiled felt. You didn’t mean that kind of role-playing did you? — Jason Tabrys

A cheap bastard got mad that he couldn’t roll higher then a eight, so he took everyone’s character sheets and walked off. That’s the last time I ever played D&D with my father. — Nick Bungay

We started talking less about dexterity bonuses and more about what some members of the group watched (and enjoyed) the night before on Fox News. I’m actually not sure if the rest of the group broke up, but I kind of drifted away after that, because it got a little militant. It was a fun gang, though, apart from that. All good guys, and we played lots of Shadowrun, which is a very underrated (if rather cliched) RPG. – Matthew Jackson

One of our players wandered off from game to smoke and was kidnapped by trolls. Since he was our mage, we couldn’t go on without him… We did pillage his dice though, so bonus on that at least. - Jason McAnelly

THAC0, damn it. – jeremy r! hudson

Is being a bastard a superpower if so what would your powers besides being a bastard be and what would be your costume and sidekick? – Christine

My powers are sarcasm based and my sidekick is the Ginger Avenger (aka Jeremy R! Hudson). I’m presently pondering a Kickstarter to pay for my new costume, it is Doctor Who tee shirt based, it is not an ambitious or costly costume. — Jason Tabrys

My super power involves deluding Jason Tabrys that I am his sidekick. Technically I am a super villain and using him to achieve my own nefarious ends. It is based on the writings of Mark Waid. — jeremy r! hudson

I always wanted super strength. I like smashing things. Taking a note from Powergirls boob window, my costume would have a cock window. Powergirl would be my sidekick, for obvious reasons. — Luke Gallagher.

Being a bastard, as a superpower, is more like a mutation. We are born this way, and this makes us superior to you. Homo superior, bitches. My super power consists of being able to survive on $5 worth of food per week, a skill that served me well in college. As far as costume goes, I’m thinking a giant suit of battle armor. Fk spandex. My sidekick, if I had one, would be a 5’3″ cute Asian chick in a short skirt who is trained in the arts of ninja sex. Obviously, this would mean I got little crime-fighting done, but you normal folks can take care yourselves, right? - Jason McAnelly

What do you think about Hollywood’s trend to pummel us with reboots, remakes, and sequels? And what anime are you currently watching if any? – Matthew

It’s a pretty horrible idea to mess with a classic. A remake is guaranteed to be compared to it’s predecessor. In almost every case, they turn out to be a disservice to the property. The bulk of remakes today are just uncared for productions; studio cash-grabs on a recognizable property. It’s such shame that Hollywood is tarnishing it’s glorious history with shitty re-hashes. I’d like it to stop. Alas, money is what makes the world go round, and remakes have proven to be a lucrative venture.They’ll stop when we stop watching them.

I’d say, remakes are only called for when the original property was good, but not quite good enough to reach -or maintain- pop culture status. Such as the case with a lot of 50′s classics. John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982) comes to mind. That was a remake from the ’50s. Carpenter’s take was successful because of it’s clever use of effects not available in the ’50s and it re-imagined the original to a significant degree. Point is, Carpenter actively sought out to make a better movie than the original, and he did. That’s not the case with a lot of remakes today.

You didn’t ask, but imma tell you, the best remakes are limited to the following: The Thing, True Grit, Scarface, Hairspray, Freaky Friday, War of the Worlds, King Kong, The Ring, Oceans 11 and Dawn of the Dead. — Luke Gallagher

Imma skip the reboot talk and go straight to Anime. Out of all the bastards here, I am the one Anime fan. Gotta love the classics. Gundam Wing and Ranma 1/2 are personal favorites. Recently, I’ve started watching slightly newer shows like Ouran Highschool, Host Club and High-school of the Dead. They are pretty damn funny, and or, action oriented. -Nick Bungay

I used to get very, very frustrated about remakes, but at this point I’ve given up. Hollywood studios are businesses, and in between trying to win awards with “substantive” pictures they’ve also got to work on their bottom line. Sometimes that means revisiting familiar territory with a guaranteed audience, and they wouldn’t keep doing it if it didn’t work. And personally, I’m just fine with reboots and sequels as long as they don’t disrespect characters I love and they actually try to create a new story (I wasn’t a fan of The Hangover II, which was The Hangover in a different country). I don’t think there are “bad sequels” or “bad reboots,” just bad movies. If the tale is told well, I have a good time. And as far as remakes, there’s nothing you can do about those. The market’s ripe for them, so you just sort of have to shrug and keep enjoying the originals. And hey, a few of them even turn out not-terrible from time to time. - Matthew Jackson

I’ve said a lot about remakes in this space before, so I won’t reiterate too much. Remakes (and reboots and sequesl), on principle, don’t bother me. What I wish though is that Hollywood would take some of that energy, and some of that profit, and use it to develop more small to medium sized films with original ideas and auteur vision. Matthew’s right, it’s a business, but there’s nothing to say thar being sucessful in business doesn’t mean you can’t experiment in R&D. After all, today’s creator of a cult-phenomen TV show about vampires is tomorrow’s director of the third most money-making film of all time. Still, movie studios now represent one division in a massive media empire, and in business every division has to show a profit. No matter how you feel about another Transformers movie, it will still make $800 million worldwide versus some movie with no name cache that has an equal chance of making back its investment or not. Sadly, art is losing to math, and the only advice I can give is if you want to see more original works, you have to support them, and make a commitment to see more original films in the movie theater where studios will see the only thing that counts to them: the cash you paid for your ticket. – Adam A. Donaldson

Why in an age of ,”Retro Comic Book Remakes”, have we not seen the side kicks. Are they to be left in the dust bin ? We saw a brief one movie presents of Batman’s “Robin”. Where was Captain America’s “Falcon”? – BillyBob

First of all, I’m not sure what’s “retro” about any of the movies we’ve seen lately (save for Captain America, which was a historical drama), and none of the superhero films we’ve seen in the last several years are remakes of anything (some are reboots, but that’s not the same thing; new stories, new directions, new villains, new styles). But on to the question of sidekicks. It seems odd to comic book fan eyes that they’re not there, yes, but think about how movies tell stories. In a comic you can introduce a sidekick quickly and efficiently, and comic book audiences, who know how this stuff works, are happy to fall in line. Plus, many of the sidekicks we know and love have been around for decades already. But in the movies, you have to do much more work. You have to make each character stand alone, then establish the relationship they have that leads to a “hero/sidekick” dynamic. That takes time and energy that slows down these movies. And, by the way, there’s also the problem of paying another star to play the sidekick, and if you’re starting a character off on the big screen for the first time you want to know if they can stand alone successfully first. I’m hearing there’s a good chance Falcon will be around soon, but it’s not like we haven’t seen other glimpses. We’ve had Bucky, we’ve had War Machine, we’ve had the Warriors Three. More will come, but there’s no reason to rush cramming a bunch of characters into a movie if the characters will be wooden and uninteresting. - Matthew Jackson